All posts by Gerry

Gumbo is Saban’s Crawdaddy

Look at this dufus! Also, the former president.

No one paying attention is shocked. Texas A&M probably lost to the Sisters of the Poor this weekend. (They lost to someone … they lose every weekend.) And yet, St. Nick made Jumbo Fish’s squad look like … well a football team. Even a good one. (They aren’t.) Coach AFLAC lost to the Volunteers, a program good in the 20th Century, who subsequently got stomped by Georgia. You remember Georgia, right? The guys who humiliated Alabama last year. Don’t worry — it’s not going to happen this year. Alabama would need to qualify for the SEC Championship game, and that’s now out the window.

Which brings me back to the original point: Saban just got embarrassed by Gumbo Kelly. The same buffoon who pretended to have a Southern accent. The same imbecile who grinds on his recruits like a drunken co-ed at the local club. The same savant who has been boat-raced in every big game he’s ever coached in. That Gumbo.

Gumbo came to the SEC claiming, “I want to beat Saban.” He then failed to beat Norvell. He got obliterated by Tennessee. His signature win at LSU this year was Ole Miss. Yes, Ole Piss. That joke of a program. Gumbo had beaten only one top-5 program in 12 years at Notre LAME: Clemson. And that was when their quarterback and half their defense was sidelined. He’s a joke.

So, Gumbo said he was coming to the SEC to beat Saban. You might think that was an aspiration that would take years, right? Given his track record of ineptitude? Nope. Year One. Why? Saban is a hack.

For the two-point conversion, Gumbo ran the EXACT SAME PLAY he ran in 2014 at Notre LAME against Florida State in a similar situation. (Look it up.) Does Saban watch less game film than we do at Obviously! Too much time cavorting with talking ducks on the AFLAC set.

When can we fire this moron?

Saban Raw-Dawged by Walk-On QB in CFP Title Game

What a doofus!

I’d say the Aflac kid better run for the hills after this schellacking … but who are we kidding? At 1.1 yards per carry, we know he can’t run to save his life … or his job. Fire this bum right now! Keep him from getting on the team plane. Thirty yards rushing? My walk from my desk to the toilet is longer than that! And what happens in that toilet is exactly what Saban’s offense was tonight.

I know it’s called “football,” but that doesn’t mean you’re supposed to kick field goals all night. If not for a gift fumble by the aforementioned WALK ON QUARTERBACK (IN THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME, YOU LOST TO A WALK ON), ol’ Saint Nick never would have sniffed the end zone. And he missed a field goal for good measure, which led to a Georgia touchdown.

Here are some fun facts:

  • Nick Saban has won back-to-back CFP national championships the same number of times as Brian “Gumbo” Kelly: ZERO. At least Gumbo kept his games with Georgia close despite having NOTRE LAME talent on his roster.
  • You know who has more wins in 2022 than Nick Saban? Kansas State. KANSAS. STATE. Not the Kansas who beat the Texas Longhorns. No. The team from Kansas who ended the regular season by LOSING to the pathetic Horns. That Kansas State. Way to go, Nick.
  • Three SEC teams have more wins in 2022 than Saban: Georgia (obviously, they just beat the hell out of Bama), Kentucky, and Arkansas. Way to go, Nick. You’re behind Kentucky and Arkansas.
Gumbo Kelly is … excited … about the prospects of facing Saint Nick next season

This guy is a hack. Pull a Pat Haden and fire him on the tarmac!

SEC-ond best coach in the CFP championship game.

Nick Saban Hates Alabama Fans

Nick Saban isn’t sure where he is.

In one of his patented senile rants, good ole ‘Aint Nick bit the hand that feeds him, calling the Alabama fan base “self absorbed.” Why? He was butt hurt that real Alabama fans called him out for lucking his way to victory against an Arkansas team he should have blown out. The excuse train was in full throttle for the Aflac kid. “We’re going to get everybody’s best game. I don’t know why people can’t understand that.” The crybaby continued, “It’s not fair to our players that they get everybody’s best game.” He appeared near tears as he added, “Everybody wants to beat us.”

At this point, his senility kicked in. “We’re not happy to win a game anymore. We’re not happy to win a game at all.” What? I don’t think you should be admitting that, Nick. “I have too much respect for the other team.” He then doubled down. “I don’t care what kind of fan you are. Nobody wants to win.” Unfortunately, no one was there to take the microphone away, or at least give the poor guy a Namenda. So he continued by criticizing his own players. “They’re not perfect. They’re just college students.”

He tried to come back to his original point, before getting confused. “So for all you self-absorbed folks out there that can’t look past your own self to appreciate what other people are doing …” He paused for what seemed like an hour, and then he tried to order soup.

Can we please fire this guy before he wanders into the wrong locker room?

Nick Saban Useless in Embarrassing Loss to Iona

Nick Saban caught selling out instead of helping Alabama avoid an embarrassing loss to no-name Iona.

In a result that could only surprise the biggest Nick Saban groupies, the Alabama Crimson Tide defense was porous, surrendering 72 points in a deflating loss to Iona. I have word from several anonymous sources that Nick Saban did not even prepare for today’s game. “Coach Saban at the Iona game? I don’t think he was even there,” said one source. Another source proclaimed, “Coach Saban was in no way involved” with the Iona game. There you have it! He wasn’t even at the game! He was probably too busy selling out and shooting another Aflac commercial. I’ve got news for you, Nicky — Aflac’s mascot is a duck. You’re in the wrong state, Nick! You like Oregon? I’ll bet you do. Oregon only surrendered 38 points to #16 Utah. That would be the ’85 Bears defense compared to the 72 you gave up to Iona. Quack quack, you hack.

Nick Saban is a terrible human being

Everybody knows that Nick Saban has no loyalties except to money and has jumped around from team to team more often than the painted ladies by the docks jump from sailor to sailor. However, Saban also doesn’t care about his players, either! When he was coach of the Miami Dolphins, one of his players, Jeno James, began having a seizure. And what did good ol’ Saint Nick do? Attend to the young man? Call for help? No, sir. He just stepped over him and kept on walking. What a piece of shit!

Don’t just take my word for it, either. Here’s the account according to Heath Evans:

Well, the first day of two-a-days. We had about a three-hour-plus practice in the morning in that south Florida sun. You guys know what it’s like down there in late July, early August. And then that night we had another practice under the lights, if I recall I think it was about from 6 to 9.

Jeno James, our best offensive lineman at the time, comes in and collapses after practice, uh, vomiting all kinds of stuff that would make a billygoat puke, eyes rolled in the back of his head. Myself, about four other lineman are trying to carry him from the locker room, to the training room.

Obviously it’s a moment of panic, everyone, you know, we don’t know if this guy’s, you know, gonna die, I mean, the whole deal. But he’s so big and sweaty and heavy that we actually have to set him down in the hallway between the locker room and the training room.

Nick Saban literally just starts walking in, steps over Jeno James convulsing, doesn’t say a word, doesn’t try to help, goes upstairs, I don’t know what he does. But then obviously they get Jeno ‘trauma-offed’ to the hospital.

Saban calls a team meeting about 10:30 that night, comes down and says, ‘You know, the captain of the ship can never show fear or indecision, we’ve always gotta have an answer, and so I had to go upstairs, that’s why I walked over Geno like that, I had to collect my thoughts and decide what’s best for our team.’

And I’m thinking to myself, I think along with Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas and Yeremiah Bell and all these other guys going, ‘Did he, does he really believe what he’s just saying?’ He showed no human emotion for one of his best players.

Is this who you want taking care of your sons, Alabama? I didn’t think so, either. Fire this asshole!