Monthly Archives: November 2021

Nick Saban Hates Alabama Fans

Nick Saban isn’t sure where he is.

In one of his patented senile rants, good ole ‘Aint Nick bit the hand that feeds him, calling the Alabama fan base “self absorbed.” Why? He was butt hurt that real Alabama fans called him out for lucking his way to victory against an Arkansas team he should have blown out. The excuse train was in full throttle for the Aflac kid. “We’re going to get everybody’s best game. I don’t know why people can’t understand that.” The crybaby continued, “It’s not fair to our players that they get everybody’s best game.” He appeared near tears as he added, “Everybody wants to beat us.”

At this point, his senility kicked in. “We’re not happy to win a game anymore. We’re not happy to win a game at all.” What? I don’t think you should be admitting that, Nick. “I have too much respect for the other team.” He then doubled down. “I don’t care what kind of fan you are. Nobody wants to win.” Unfortunately, no one was there to take the microphone away, or at least give the poor guy a Namenda. So he continued by criticizing his own players. “They’re not perfect. They’re just college students.”

He tried to come back to his original point, before getting confused. “So for all you self-absorbed folks out there that can’t look past your own self to appreciate what other people are doing …” He paused for what seemed like an hour, and then he tried to order soup.

Can we please fire this guy before he wanders into the wrong locker room?

Nick Saban Useless in Embarrassing Loss to Iona

Nick Saban caught selling out instead of helping Alabama avoid an embarrassing loss to no-name Iona.

In a result that could only surprise the biggest Nick Saban groupies, the Alabama Crimson Tide defense was porous, surrendering 72 points in a deflating loss to Iona. I have word from several anonymous sources that Nick Saban did not even prepare for today’s game. “Coach Saban at the Iona game? I don’t think he was even there,” said one source. Another source proclaimed, “Coach Saban was in no way involved” with the Iona game. There you have it! He wasn’t even at the game! He was probably too busy selling out and shooting another Aflac commercial. I’ve got news for you, Nicky — Aflac’s mascot is a duck. You’re in the wrong state, Nick! You like Oregon? I’ll bet you do. Oregon only surrendered 38 points to #16 Utah. That would be the ’85 Bears defense compared to the 72 you gave up to Iona. Quack quack, you hack.